Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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