fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
