There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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