Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
