i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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