Me. At least after what I've been through.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Randomize
