Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
