I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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