the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
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For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
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Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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