Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
