did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
