I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it was like having sex with a tree stump
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
