You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
