my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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