apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
