I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
