the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
