you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
