i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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