I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
