At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
