My nipple is on Facebook.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
