You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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