I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
