Apparently you make a good broom.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
