I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
