you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
