there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
