Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
