News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
