U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
