Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
