I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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