yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
