she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
