Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Come back. Shots need mouths.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
