I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
