i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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