Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
