it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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