Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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