i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The ass gains better be worth it
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