i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
