just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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