i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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