So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
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she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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