my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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