Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
