Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
