I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
