Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
