every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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