Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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